elektra_jones

"Let folly be our cloak, a veil before the eyes of the Enemy! For he is very wise, and weighs all things to a nicety in the scales of his malice. But the only measure that he knows is desire, desire for power; and so he judges all hearts. Into his heart the thought will not enter that any will refuse it, that having the Ring we may seek to destroy it. If we seek this, we shall put him out of reckoning."
-Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

"'Business!' cried the Ghost, wringing its hands again. 'Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence, were, all, my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my business!'"
-Dickens, A Christmas Carol

Merry Christmas!

I always look forward to the 24 hour marathon of "A Christmas Story," either on TBS or TNT. It is my favorite Christmas movie and my 3rd favorite thing about Christmas :-) (after gifts and Christmas dinner with my parents, and this time Sam will be there as well) :-)

I went through a bit of depression earlier this month. It was a combination of the after-effects of having been fired yet again after such a short time, having become exhausted with trying to do full-time work while being self-employed, and stressed with a whole bunch of different things.

One of the stresses I'm trying to manage is that loved_by_2 has discovered a lot of anxiety-related issues over the past year. While it has created some tension here and there between us, and some misunderstandings, he's committed to working on what he needs to. He has been working hard on it, and seems to understand the larger picture day by day. He's accepted that this is something long-term that he needs to manage in a variety of ways. That's been one of the hardest adjustments for him.

What's hardest is that all of this stuff was hidden in the context of his marriage. Without it, he's able to see himself for who he is, rather than who he was for her. He's able to separate his crap from hers and mine now. He seems to believe that makes him crazier than I am, but I don't consider it a comparable situation. It's not about who's "crazier than thou" but about how we manage our individual stuff with each other in a relationship.

One of my other stresses has been in wanting to go out and do social things, but not having the energy or time to do that. Everything at R happens on weekends, and it's turned cold, which is always a disincentive for me to go out and do stuff. It's made me into a hermit who has fantasies of going out socially, but never really goes out and does it. That's sucky. I'm feeling so disconnected with everything but the kink community right now, because I have the most contact with those folks.

I'm going to be working over the next little while on creating better balance in my life between work and non-work, so I can be my social self again. This much isolation isn't good for me, emotionally. I get my energy from socializing, and I've just not done much of that in a long time.

Tonight's RENEGADE party is called Solar Nexus. It's a party over the longest night of the year (though that's really in a couple of days). They have a number of performances, DJs, started with a yoga session and a community supper, and has all vegan food and drink. There are two video screens up, showing a variety of stuff. There have been bellydancers. There's a really nice, laid back vibe with a pagan feel, which is comforting to me, since these are sorta my own peeps, but the extreme version, to some extent. This goes to 6am.

I'm really, really glad to see people enjoying the creative possibilities of the space for the first time. They've decorated with cloth, textile hangings, video art and beautifully done, round promo cards.

Things have been kinda stressy in R-ville lately. Communication problems and misaligned expectations have made me tense. It created tension outward, as well. I feared that the arrangement wouldn't work out as planned, for the reasons I'd feared since the beginning. As it turns out, a wake-up call was delivered just in the nick of time. I'm holding back on taking action for now because it still has the potential to be awesome.

I've got stuff booked every single Saturday booked in January, and all but one in February as well. I've got double-bookings sometimes. There are workshops planned and a workshop series being offered throughout weekends in Jan/Feb. More are already booked for early March!

I'm finally starting to get some questions about using the space for stuff like life drawing, yoga, socials, meetings, etc. I've got a birthday prom party, a surprise birthday party/collaring, and all kinds of stuff starting to happen here. I've been letting after-hours folks rent, but if things go as they seem to, perhaps I can wean off them faster than I expected. I really don't like having the risk of running them very much, nor does my property manager.

I'm hopeful, seeing how people are enjoying the space, that once I get a few more dollars put into improving the heating system and blocking off some of the colder drafts, it will be even more hospitable and enjoyable. I just have to get over the December hump. This is the only renter I have in December until New Year's Eve. It's a VERY thin month, but the next two are quite full, so I hope that makes up for it. I'm hoping that helps pay for some needed upgrades to the space, like adding curtains to stop drafts, make the entrance more separate, add finishing touches to the washrooms, etc.

I'm looking forward to some downtime from Monday night to NYE in Stratford. I feel like I need to recharge and renew after having gone through the first three months and having so much coming up. I want to take a running start at it as the calendar turns.

That's where things are for RENEGADE. On to what's going on for me in another post....

"Is it not pathetic that the action of men on men is so partial?"

-journal, May 19, 1837

One of my favourite poses is Svarga Dvidasana, Bird of Paradise. I've been working on this one for the past year (and trying to develop flexiblity in my hamstrings for much longer than that), but I can never get the lifted leg straight. It's not my 'Rock Star Pose'. 'Rock Star Pose' is an expression I use to describe a pose that looks strong, stable and flawless (and most of the time, one that comes easy for the yoga practitioner). I tell my students that each of them has a 'Rock Star Pose' - they just need to discover what it is. As I was seeking out more information of Svara Dvidasana, I found this photograph of a REAL rock star, doing the pose. It's not his 'Rock Star Pose' either ;-D Can anyone guess who this is?

Books to the ceiling
Books to the sky
My pile of books is a mile high.
How I love them! How I need them!
I'll have a long beard by the time I read them.
-Arnold Lobel

My little tree has a story.

In my last year of university, on Christmas Eve, I was stranded at school for the holiday because I was graduating - my mother came for the ceremony. In theory, I was spending this holiday with my boyfriend's family but in reality, I ended up spending a lot of time in my cold apartment.

I didn't have a Christmas Tree in my apartment and I was feeling sad about it.

So at 11:30 p.m. on Christmas Eve, we drove out to Kmart to buy a tree. Amazingly, the 'mart was still open! Of course, there wasn't a customer in sight - just the two of us, the bedraggled university students. I wandered around the 'holiday' section and randomly picked out a small artificial tree, some lights and a box of ornaments.

I didn't put much effort into my choices because this tree was temporary, something that I might use once or twice. The last 1 foot artificial tree was small and lopsided. It reminded me of the Christmas Tree in that Peanut's Christmas special on T.V.



Then I noticed some tiny, handblown glass ornaments that were beautiful, but a bit pricey for a student budget. There were not many left and, sadly, each package had one or two broken ornaments. True to my nature, I tracked down the manager and asked if one package of whole ornaments could be put together.

The manager looked at me kindly, then gently placed ALL four remaining packages in the cart. He said: “They're all yours - complimentary! Merry Christmas.” And we went back to my apartment and decorated the tiny, crooked tree with these beautiful glass ornaments and it really did make the holiday brighter for me.

Many years later, I still have this very same tree, with same little garland (the lights are newish) and nearly ALL of those glass ornaments (I've broken one or two over the years).

The tree has travelled with me cross-country when I moved from university to grad school. As a travelling field archaeologist (my first career), I toted it around in a garbage bag in the back of my car, to bring a bit of Christmas cheer to the dreary motel rooms I stayed in close to the holidays. It crossed the border with me when I moved to Canada.

My 'temporary tree' has been been with me every Christmas for 18 years.

In January of 2006, I spontaneously bought a guitar. Literally walked into a music store on a whim, walked out with a classical acoustic in my hand. it was my consolation prize after I broke up with my girlfriend of the time. It was also a way for me to connect with my deceased father. I have mixed memories of my dad, but some of the best ones are of listening to him play the guitar as I went to sleep at night.

I was a bad guitar student. I learned a few chords, then promptly gave up. The guitar was shuffled into a closet and I forgot about it. Mostly.

Then, late last year, around late January, the guilt that had haunted me over the abandoned guitar finally boiled over. I hauled it out of the closet, only to find that it was dusty and the strings were broken. I resolved to do better this time. I set a goal: get new strings and find a guitar teacher to teach me to play.

The guitar was restrung within the week and I browsed Craig's List, looking for a teacher. I was Googling the name of a teacher nearby when I very accidentally found the website of another musician, a woman who lives in the east end of the city. I really liked her philosophy about teaching and her style was similar to what my father had played.

And she had a great website - maybe not the best criteria, but I *am* a geek, after all!

So I contacted her and decided to try one lesson the following week. And I've been studying with her ever since. Not being a huge fan of her musical style, I didn't know that I had stumbled onto a treasure. She has quite a following around the province. And she's a patient, attentive teacher. My lessons are always a good time and I'm surprised by how much I've learned in a year.

I eventually replaced my cheap guitar with a beauty I had lay-away for months (It's an Alvarez MC90 that's fits me like a glove and has the tone of a harp).

And I've learned lots of songs. Twelve, to be exact. I was surprised that I knew so many!

1) I'm Thinking Tonight of My Blue Eyes (Carter Family)
2) Gold Watch and Chain (Carter Family)
3) Hobo's Lullaby (Goebel Reeves)
4) I've Just Seen a Face (Beatles)
5) Early (Greg Brown)
6) Me and Bobby McGee (Kris Kristofferson)
7) Heart of Gold (Neil Young)
8) You Ain't Goin' Nowhere (Bob Dylan)
9) Tomorrow is a Long Time (Bob Dylan)
10) Four Strong Winds (Ian Tyson)
11) Hide Your Love Away (Beatles)
12) Eight Days a Week (Beatles)

I'm a reluctant fan of Christmas music.

Christmas is not a huge holiday for me - I'm not a Christian, for starters. But years of public-school-choir memories have hard-wired me for the cheesy seasonal music. When I bought my first CD player years ago, I purchased a few old RCA 'Samplers' on CD. Since that's all I owned, I listened to them each Christmas and at some point, I found myself actually *enjoying* them.

So I started adding to my collection. In the 90s, I discovered that some of the 'classical' Christmas Music was actually quite lovely. I enjoyed choral music - who knew? My collection grew. I dated a woman from Trinidad who introduced me to Parang and Soca-Parang. Again, my collection expanded and now it's quite diverse.

This year, my emphasis is on the 'extremely cheesy'. So far, I've purchased two new Christmas albums.

Did you know that Neil Diamond has a Christmas album! He does.!

Oh, don't cringe! ;-) I know, know! But I grew up with Neil (my mother was a fan) and he's not SO bad! Love him or hate him, Neil has his own unique style and he manages to do something to these Christmas songs that I didn't think possible: He 'Neil Diamonds' them. It's impossible to listen to these familiar songs and not realise that Neil Diamond is singing them. He made his mark!

As I'm listening to Neil sing traditional Christmas favourites, those mental images of Christmas Trees and Chestnuts-roasting-by-an-open-fire are crowded out by this one: Neil, in a white suit with sequins, taking the stage in Vegas. It's trippy.

And did you know that Bob Dylan has a Christmas album? Yes, Bob Dylan! He's still around, 68-years-old and still going strong. The proceeds of his album go to charity. But I bought it because it was terrible. In a good way.

I know what you're probably thinking and you're right: this album is not easy on the ears. In fact, several of these songs are so bad that they make you sit up and pay attention. it's like a slow-motion-Santa's-Sleigh-wreck. You can't stop listening.

But a few of the songs are really unique and well-composed and dare-I-say-it, enjoyable.

After a few listens through this album, some patterns emerge: Bob's voice is as knarly and gravelly as ever, but eventually, the listener is lulled into a kind of complacency. He actually starts to sound GOOD. This illusion is shattered when those smooth-voiced, melodic back-up singers kick in to provide some contrast. Bob, he can't sing. But he's Bob. He doesn't need to.

Incredibly, I can mostly understand the lyrics in these songs (I was concerned about this when I bought the album). Sometimes I can understand them a bit too well. When the lyrics sound unfamiliar, I wonder if Bob is making them up (he is! and I kind of like his version better). In one song, I couldn't understand a thing he was singing. It was so bad, it was like he was singing in a different language. Turns out, he *was* singing in a different language.

I'm sure I'll come up with many other observations as I continue to listen. Thing is, I *can't* stop listening.

“Must be Santa” is, by far, one of the best songs on the album. And incredibly, it has a music video. Here it is for your holiday enjoyment:

A Nocturnal Upon St. Lucy's Day, Being The Shortest Day
John Donne

'Tis the year's midnight, as it is the day's,
Lucy's, who scarce seven hours herself unmasks ;
The sun is spent, and now his flasks
Send forth light squibs, no constant rays ;
The world's whole sap is sunk ;
The general balm th' hydroptic earth hath drunk,
Whither, as to the bed's-feet, life is shrunk,
Dead and interr'd ; yet all these seem to laugh,
Compared with me, who am their epitaph.

Study me then, you who shall lovers be
At the next world, that is, at the next spring ;
For I am every dead thing,
In whom Love wrought new alchemy.
For his art did express
A quintessence even from nothingness,
From dull privations, and lean emptiness ;
He ruin'd me, and I am re-begot
Of absence, darkness, death: things which are not.

All others, from all things, draw all that's good,
Life, soul, form, spirit, whence they being have ;
I, by Love's limbec, am the grave
Of all, that's nothing. Oft a flood
Have we two wept, and so
Drown'd the whole world, us two ; oft did we grow,
To be two chaoses, when we did show
Care to aught else ; and often absences
Withdrew our souls, and made us carcasses.

But I am by her death—which word wrongs her—
Of the first nothing the elixir grown ;
Were I a man, that I were one
I needs must know ; I should prefer,
If I were any beast,
Some ends, some means ; yea plants, yea stones detest,
And love ; all, all some properties invest.
If I an ordinary nothing were,
As shadow, a light, and body must be here.

But I am none ; nor will my sun renew.
You lovers, for whose sake the lesser sun
At this time to the Goat is run
To fetch new lust, and give it you,
Enjoy your summer all,
Since she enjoys her long night's festival.
Let me prepare towards her, and let me call
This hour her vigil, and her eve, since this
Both the year's and the day's deep midnight is.

On the way to work today, I shared the subway with a Military Guy, in some type of full dress uniform, looking very smart and snazzy with careful creases and shiny shoes. Before exiting the elevator, he took the time to carefully put on his hat and adjust it at a rakish angle. He passed by briskly on the sidewalk so I was soon walking behind him.

And that's when I noticed the hairs. He must live with a long-haired blonde companion, perhaps feline but more likely human, who sheds. There were several of these light-coloured hairs on the back of his dark, pristine military jacket.

With his height and uniform, he was slightly intimidating to me, but there was a small voice inside me that said: “You should tell him. You should help him tidy up those hairs. He wouldn't want to be walking around the city with hairs on the back of his jacket.”

But I couldn't do it. I kept thinking of possible words, how I might approach without offence. But I just didn't have the courage.

And the funny part is, I kept running into him. Upon reaching the subway platform, I passed him (once again wondering, 'Should I say something?'). I found myself on the same subway car, one seat away. And when I got off the subway before my regular stop (there was a delay and I decided to take the streetcar), he was there, waiting for the same streetcar. As I exited the streetcar, he was sitting there by the exit.

And still I didn't say anything.

So now I'm wondering? Should I have spoken up?

I keep thinking about his shoes, spit-shined to a glow. And the careful creases of his uniform. And the subtle distance we place between ourselves and others in a big city.